Navigating the 'Shoulds': Unpacking Societal Pressures on Mental Health

Right, let's have a proper chat about something that I reckon we all grapple with, even if we don't always realise it: the dreaded "shoulds". You know, those invisible, nagging voices in our heads telling us what we should be doing, feeling, and achieving. "You should be further in your career," "You should be happier," "You should have it all together." Sound familiar?

The Weight of Expectation

These "shoulds" aren't just random thoughts; they're often the echoes of societal pressures, the invisible rules we're expected to live by. We're bombarded with images of perfect lives on social media, told to hustle and grind our way to success, and constantly reminded of the "ideal" body, relationship, and lifestyle. It's exhausting, isn't it?

Think about it. We're told we should be constantly productive, always "on," never showing weakness. We're expected to have a flawless work-life balance, to be both a successful career person and a perfect partner/parent/friend. And if we dare to show any signs of struggle, we're told to "pull ourselves together" or "just be positive."

This constant pressure to conform can take a serious toll on our mental health. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression. We start to believe that we're failing if we don't meet these unrealistic expectations, and we lose sight of what truly matters to us.

The Illusion of Perfection

The biggest problem with these "shoulds" is that they're based on an illusion of perfection. No one has it all figured out. Everyone struggles. Everyone has bad days. But social media and popular culture rarely show us that side of life. We're presented with carefully curated images of success and happiness, which only fuels our feelings of inadequacy.

It’s like we are all trying to run a race, but no one has told us what the finish line looks like, and everyone else looks like they are miles ahead.

Finding Your Own Path

So, how do we navigate these "shoulds" and reclaim our mental wellbeing? It's not easy, but it's possible. It starts with recognising these pressures, questioning them, and challenging them.

• Become aware of the "shoulds": Start paying attention to the thoughts that pop into your head. Are you telling yourself you should be doing something because you genuinely want to, or because you feel pressured to?

• Challenge those beliefs: Ask yourself, "Where did this belief come from?" "Is it realistic?" "Is it helpful?" Often, you'll find that these "shoulds" are based on unrealistic expectations or outdated beliefs.

• Embrace imperfection: Accept that you're not perfect, and that's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, has bad days, and falls short of their own expectations sometimes.

• Focus on your values: What truly matters to you? What brings you joy and fulfilment? Focus on living in alignment with your values, rather than trying to meet someone else's expectations.

• Set boundaries: Learn to say "no" to things that don't serve you. Protect your time and energy, and prioritise your wellbeing.

The Subtle Tyranny of "Should": A Deep Dive into its Roots

We've explored the broad strokes of societal pressures and internalised critics, but let's dissect the very nature of the word "should." It's a subtle tyrant, isn't it? It masquerades as helpful advice, a gentle nudge towards improvement, but it often carries a heavy undercurrent of judgment and inadequacy.

• The Language of Obligation: "Should" implies obligation, a sense of duty, a lack of choice. It robs us of agency, making us feel like we're acting out a script written by someone else.

• The Breeding Ground for Shame: When we fail to meet these "shoulds," we often experience shame. Shame is a toxic emotion that tells us we're fundamentally flawed, unworthy. It's the feeling that we've not only failed at a task, but failed as a person.

• The Distortion of Reality: "Shoulds" often distort our perception of reality. They create an unrealistic ideal, a fantasy of perfection that no one can achieve. We become fixated on this ideal, ignoring the reality of our own strengths and limitations.

• The Erosion of Self-Trust: When we constantly listen to the "shoulds," we lose trust in our own intuition and judgment. We become dependent on external validation, seeking approval from others rather than listening to our inner voice.

  
  

The "Shoulds" in the Digital Age: A New Frontier of Pressure

The rise of social media and the digital age has created a new frontier of "shoulds," adding layers of complexity to an already challenging landscape.

• The Comparison Trap: Social media is a breeding ground for comparison. We're constantly comparing our lives to the curated highlights of others, leading to feelings of envy, inadequacy, and low self-esteem.

• The Pressure to Perform Online: We're expected to maintain a flawless online presence, to project an image of success, happiness, and popularity. This can lead to anxiety and a sense of inauthenticity.

• The 24/7 Connectivity: The constant connectivity of the digital age blurs the lines between work and personal life. We're expected to be always "on," always available, leading to burnout and a lack of boundaries.

• The Echo Chambers: Social media algorithms create echo chambers, reinforcing our existing beliefs and biases. This can lead to a narrow worldview and a lack of empathy for others.

• The Information Overload: We're bombarded with information, opinions, and advice, making it difficult to discern what's true and what's not. This can lead to anxiety and confusion.

  
  

Cultivating Inner Resilience: A Path to Liberation

Breaking free from the "shoulds" is not just about challenging external pressures; it's about cultivating inner resilience, building a strong foundation of self-acceptance and self-compassion.

• Practicing Radical Acceptance: Radical acceptance involves accepting reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. It's about acknowledging our limitations and imperfections, and finding peace with them.

• Developing Self-Compassion: Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a dear friend. It's 1  about acknowledging our suffering, offering ourselves comfort, and recognising our common humanity.   

• Building Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence involves understanding and managing our own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It's about developing self-awareness, empathy, and social skills.

• Strengthening Your Inner Voice: Learn to listen to your inner voice, your intuition, your gut feeling. This is the voice of your authentic self, guiding you towards your true path.

• Creating a Sanctuary of Self: Build a sanctuary of self, a space where you can retreat from the pressures of the world. This could be a physical space, such as a quiet room, or a mental space, such as a mindfulness practice.

  
  

Therapy: Finding Your Way Home

This whole "should" business, it's a right tricky journey, isn't it? But therapy can be a proper lifeline, not just fixing problems, but giving you space to figure yourself out.

• A Safe Harbour: That therapeutic relationship? It's a safe place to chat about your thoughts and feelings, no judgment, just someone listening.

• Unpacking the Roots: A therapist can help you see where these "shoulds" come from – childhood, family, the lot.

• Challenging the Inner Critic: They'll help you spot those dodgy thought patterns – all-or-nothing thinking, the works – and rewrite your internal script.

• Building Your Toolkit: You'll learn proper coping strategies for when you start challenging those "shoulds," building your resilience.

• Finding Your Voice: Therapy helps you find your authentic self, speak your mind, and live by your own rules.

  
  

How Therapy Helps:

Basically, therapy's a good shout for sorting through these societal pressures and getting your mental health back on track.

• They'll help you spot those "shoulds" causing you grief, and challenge if they even hold water.

• You'll learn to be kinder to yourself, accepting your flaws and celebrating your good bits.

• They'll teach you how to set boundaries, protecting your time and energy.

• You'll build your self-esteem, so you're less bothered by what everyone else thinks.

• You'll get a clearer idea of what actually matters to you, and live by it.

Remember, you're not alone in this. We're all navigating these "shoulds" to some extent. By becoming aware of them, challenging them, and prioritising our wellbeing, we can create a life that's more authentic and fulfilling. And if you're feeling overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out here or via email here, for support. You deserve to live a life that's free from the weight of unrealistic expectations.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy