Needs, Wants & Self-Worth

As a therapist, I feel that understanding the distinction between needs and wants isn't just about prudence; it's about your emotional well-being, the quality of your relationships, and ultimately, your sense of self-worth.

The Foundation: Your Core Needs

At its core, the concept of your needs is deeply intertwined with your earliest experiences. These are the fundamental human requirements for survival, safety, connection, and growth – things like feeling secure, having a sense of belonging, and experiencing autonomy.

Needing vs. Wanting: A Crucial Distinction

This brings us to a really important nuance in therapy: the difference between feeling you need something or someone, and simply wanting them.

When we feel we need people or things, it often comes from a place of intense emotional dependency. It's that feeling of "I can't live without this person," or "I must have this promotion to be happy."

This kind of "need" can feel overwhelming, almost desperate. It implies a 'lacking', an incompleteness, and often carries an unstated demand or expectation. There's no acceptance; it's about feeling that your well-being is contingent on something external, which can lead to anxiety, resentment, or a pervasive sense of not being enough.

It often stems from those earlier experiences of unmet needs, where our sense of safety or worth felt truly dependent on others.

However, when we want something or someone, it's a completely different energy. Wanting comes from a position of strength and power. It's about desire, preference, and choice.

When you say, "I want a deep connection with my partner," or "I want to achieve this goal," it implies you are whole and capable on your own, but you're choosing to pursue something that would enhance your life. There's an inherent acceptance of what is, coupled with an empowered striving for what could be.

You can still be disappointed if a want isn't fulfilled, but your core sense of self, your worth, and your ability to thrive aren't shattered. This distinction is subtle yet profoundly impactful on our emotional freedom and resilience.

How Attachment Styles Push Us Towards "Needs"

Now, how does this link back to those early experiences? It's deeply connected to your attachment style, which is something we often explore together in therapy because it sheds so much light on how you navigate the world today.

Insecure Attachment: If, in childhood, your primary caregivers were inconsistent, unavailable, or perhaps even overwhelming, you might have developed an insecure attachment style (like anxious, avoidant, or disorganised). For folks with insecure attachment, the line between needs and wants can become incredibly blurred, often pushing them firmly into that intense "needing" territory:

• Anxious Attachment: You might experience your wants as desperate needs for constant reassurance and closeness, perhaps fearing abandonment if these aren't met. This urgent "need" for others' presence or approval can feel all-consuming and lead to seeking external validation incessantly, feeling like your worth is contingent on others' approval.

  
  

• Avoidant Attachment: Conversely, you might suppress your genuine needs, perceiving them as weaknesses or burdens. You may prioritise independence to an extreme, perhaps dismissing emotional connection as a mere "want" rather than a fundamental human need. You might then rely so heavily on internal validation that it creates isolation, as acknowledging a "need" for anyone feels too vulnerable. In essence, you might pretend you want nothing to avoid the painful feeling of needing anything.

  
  

• Disorganised Attachment: This style, often stemming from inconsistent or frightening caregiving, can lead to a chaotic dance between wanting closeness and fearing it. You might intensely "need" connection one moment, only to push it away the next, creating a confusing internal and external experience of what is truly a need versus a want.

  
  

Secure Attachment: In contrast, those of us with a secure attachment style generally had caregivers who were consistently responsive to our needs. This foundational experience allows us to:

• Clearly differentiate between our core needs and our desires (wants).

• Feel comfortable expressing our genuine needs without shame or excessive anxiety, understanding they are part of being human.

• Trust that our needs can be met, both by ourselves and, appropriately, by others.

• Develop a strong sense of internal validation that isn't solely dependent on external factors, while also being open to genuine external affirmation. We understand our inherent worth and don't require constant external proof of it to feel complete.

The Illusion of External Validation and Your Worth

In our modern world, I often observe that the pursuit of "wants" becomes a thinly veiled attempt to fulfill deeper, unmet needs for validation, affirmation, and a sense of self-worth.

You might find yourself chasing after a promotion, a perfect body, or a vast social media following, believing these external achievements will finally make you feel "enough."

The challenge is, external validation is a fickle friend. It's like trying to fill a bottomless well with a leaky bucket. No amount of praise, material possessions, or fleeting attention can truly satiate us because they don't address the core issue: our perception of our own value.

When your worth is tied to external factors, you become vulnerable to the whims of others and the ever-changing tides of circumstance, constantly seeking an outside source to confirm your inner value.

True self-worth, on the other hand, isn't something you earn or accumulate; it's an inherent quality. It's the deep-seated belief that you are valuable and deserving of respect and love, simply because you exist.

Affirmation, when it comes from a place of genuine connection and unconditional regard, can be beautiful and supportive. But when we demand it or feel incomplete without it, it often signals an underlying insecurity about our inherent value and a reliance on others to define who we are.

Developing a strong sense of self-worth means recognising that your value isn't dependent on what you achieve, how you look, or what others think of you. It comes from within.

How Therapy Can Help

Understanding these dynamics is the first step towards a more fulfilling life. This is precisely where therapy offers invaluable support, and it's work I truly love doing with my clients:

1. Differentiating Your Needs from Your Wants (and the "Needing" vs. "Wanting" dynamic): Together, we can explore the roots of your desires, helping you discern whether what you're chasing is a genuine need (e.g., for safety, connection, autonomy) or a "want" that's serving as a substitute for an unmet need. We'll also examine the intensity behind your desires, shifting from a place of intense "needing" to empowered "wanting."

2. Exploring Your Attachment Patterns: Through guided reflection and sometimes specific exercises, we can illuminate your attachment style and how it impacts your ability to identify, express, and meet your needs. Understanding this foundation is key to shifting out of those "needing" patterns.

3. Cultivating Internal Validation: Therapy provides a safe space for you to challenge self-limiting beliefs and build a stronger sense of self-worth that originates from within. This involves developing self-compassion, recognising your strengths, and accepting your imperfections.

4. Learning Healthy Boundaries: Understanding your needs empowers you to set healthy boundaries in relationships, ensuring you're not constantly sacrificing your well-being to meet others' expectations or to gain their approval.

5. Developing Secure Relating: For those with insecure attachment, therapy can offer corrective emotional experiences, helping you practice more secure ways of relating to yourself and others, fostering genuine connection based on mutual respect and healthy interdependence.

6. Processing Past Wounds: Often, the inability to distinguish needs from wants stems from unaddressed past experiences. Therapy can provide a framework for processing these wounds and releasing their grip on your present-day choices.

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In essence, therapy isn't about denying our desires, but rather about understanding them more deeply. It's about building a solid foundation of internal security so that your wants become enjoyable additions to a life already rich in fulfilled needs, rather than desperate attempts to fill an enduring void. It's about recognising that your worth is intrinsic, and that true affirmation comes from knowing and loving who you are, authentically and completely.

If you've been feeling this pull between needs and wants, or suspect your attachment style might be playing a role, please know that you're not alone. Therapy can be a wonderful space to explore these dynamics and move towards a more grounded, fulfilling life, so get in touch here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy