Carrying Shame? You're Not Alone!

It’s a common story in the therapy room: a quiet whisper, a hesitant confession, or sometimes, a torrent of anguished words about something that happened… well, a long time ago. Something that, even now, carries a heavy weight of shame.

Perhaps it was a mistake made in your youth, a choice driven by desperation, or a reaction you now deeply regret. Intellectually, you get it. You understand that the person who made that decision was younger, less experienced, and doing the best they could with the resources they had at the time. You can rationally acknowledge that if a friend shared a similar story, you’d offer them kindness, understanding, and compassion. You’d tell them they’re human, that mistakes happen, and that they deserve forgiveness.

But when it comes to yourself? Ah, that’s where the struggle begins. Despite knowing all of this, that inner judge simply won’t quiet down.

The Echo of Self-Judgement

This relentless self-judgement can feel like a constant companion, shadowing your every step. It can manifest as:

• Low self-esteem: A pervasive feeling that you’re not good enough, stemming from that old wound. It’s as if that past event has become the lens through which you view your entire being, colouring every achievement and success with a tinge of inadequacy.

• Stress and anxiety: The constant churn of worry about being "found out" or the fear of repeating past errors. You might find yourself overthinking situations, second-guessing decisions, or withdrawing from social interactions, all driven by an underlying fear that your past will somehow catch up with you or that you'll fall short again.

• Depression: A heavy blanket of sadness and hopelessness, fuelled by the belief that you’re inherently flawed. This can lead to a lack of motivation, difficulty experiencing joy, and a pervasive sense that things will never truly get better because you are the problem.

You feel stuck. You’ve tried to be kind to yourself, to offer that same compassion you’d readily extend to others, but it feels like your mind just… refuses. It's frustrating, isolating, and can leave you feeling truly hopeless. The gap between what you know you should feel and what you actually feel can be incredibly disheartening.

Why is Self-Compassion So Hard? Unpacking the Inner Resistance

This resistance to self-compassion, even when you know it's what you need, isn't a sign of weakness. It's often rooted in deeply ingrained patterns, formed over years, sometimes even decades. Consider this:

• The Protective Critic: Sometimes, the inner critic developed as a way to protect you. Perhaps, in the past, self-criticism was a motivator, a way to ensure you didn't make the same mistake twice, or a defence mechanism to anticipate criticism from others. While its intention might have been good, its methods are now causing more harm than good.

• Learned Patterns: Our brains are wired for efficiency, creating neural pathways for frequently used thoughts and behaviours. If self-judgement has been your default response for a long time, those pathways are well-trodden and easy to fall back into. It takes conscious effort to carve out new ones.

• Fear of Complacency: A common, yet often unconscious, fear is that if you let go of the shame or self-criticism, you might become complacent, stop trying, or even repeat the same mistake. This fear keeps the shame in place, acting as a perceived "guard rail."

• Identity Fusion: For some, the shame has become so intertwined with their identity that letting it go feels like losing a part of themselves, even if that part is painful.

The good news is that these patterns can be shifted. While it feels impossible right now, there are ways to begin softening that inner critic and cultivating the self-compassion you deserve.

Finding Your Way Through: Embracing Self-Compassion

If you're feeling stuck and hopeless, here are some suggestions to help you begin to overcome your mind's refusal to embrace self-compassion:

1. Acknowledge the Resistance (Without Judgement!): The first step is to simply notice that your mind is resisting self-compassion. Don't judge this resistance itself. Just observe it. You might say to yourself, "Ah, here's that familiar feeling of judging myself, even though I know I wouldn't judge others like this." This simple act of noticing creates a little bit of space between you and the thought, allowing you to observe it rather than be consumed by it.

   
   

2. Practice Mindful Self-Compassion (Even for a Moment): This isn't about forcing yourself to feel warm and fuzzy. It’s about gently inviting a different approach, even when it feels unnatural. Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, breaks it down into three core components:

   • Acknowledge the pain: "This feeling of shame is really painful right now. This is a moment of suffering."

   • Connect to common humanity: "Many people experience shame and self-judgement. I'm not alone in this. Suffering is a part of the human experience." This reminds you that your pain is not unique, fostering a sense of connection rather than isolation.

   • Offer a kind gesture: Place your hand over your heart, offer a gentle touch to your face, or simply allow a kind word to form in your mind like "May I be kind to myself in this moment," or "May I give myself the compassion I need." Even if you don't feel compassionate initially, the physical gesture and intention can be a small signal to your nervous system that you are safe and worthy of care.

     
     

3. Challenge the Inner Critic (Gently, with Curiosity): Instead of arguing with your inner critic, which often fuels its power, try to understand it. When it says, "You're still awful for that," approach it with a gentle curiosity:

   • "What is this part of me trying to protect me from?" (Perhaps it's trying to keep you safe from future mistakes or prevent you from being hurt again).

   • "Is this thought truly helpful right now in helping me move forward?"

   • "What would a wise, compassionate friend say to me in this moment?"

   • "If someone I loved dearly came to me with this exact story, what advice would I give them?" Notice how your response to yourself might differ from your response to others, and gently begin to bridge that gap.

     
     

4. Rewrite Your Narrative (Gradually): For years, you've likely told yourself a story about that past event, with you as the villain. Can you begin to introduce a different perspective, even a small, incremental shift?

   • Focus on what you learned from the experience. Every mistake, however painful, offers a lesson. What growth came from that difficulty?

   • Acknowledge any positive outcomes, however small, that might have emerged, or the resilience you developed.

   • Recognise the strength and resilience it took to navigate that difficult time. You survived. You learned. You grew.

     
     

The Power of Our Thoughts: We Are What We Repeatedly Think

This last point brings us to a crucial truth: we are, in many ways, our thoughts. Our minds are constantly generating a narrative, and over time, the thoughts we repeatedly entertain become deeply ingrained beliefs. If those thoughts are primarily self-critical, shaming, and negative, then our self-perception will naturally reflect that.

The good news is that this also means we have the capacity to change. It's not about instantly believing you're perfect or dismissing your past. It's about a gradual, gentle, and consistent process of offering yourself different thoughts.

Imagine your brain like a garden. If you've been planting weeds of self-judgement for years, they've taken root. To cultivate a garden of kindness, you need to gently pull out those weeds and plant new seeds: seeds of compassion, understanding, and acceptance. In the beginning, those new seeds might feel tiny and fragile, easily overwhelmed by the existing weeds. You might even doubt they'll ever grow. But with consistent, gentle watering and attention, those new seeds will sprout.

• Start small: Instead of "I'm worthless," try "I'm struggling right now, and that's okay."

• Be persistent: You wouldn't expect a single workout to transform your body, nor a single positive thought to erase years of self-criticism. It's the cumulative effect of many small, kind thoughts.

• Practice patience: There will be days when the old thoughts surge back powerfully. This is normal. Don't judge yourself for it. Simply acknowledge it and gently redirect your attention to a kinder thought. Over time, those negative thoughts will lose their grip, and the pathways for self-compassion will strengthen. You will begin to find that those more positive, more kind thoughts become easier to access, and crucially, you'll hopefully start to believe them.

  
  

How Therapy Can Help You Break Free

If you're feeling stuck, hopeless, and as though your mind simply refuses to show you the compassion you deserve, seeking professional support can be truly transformative. A qualified therapist can provide:

• A Safe, Non-Judgemental Space: This is foundational. In therapy, you can explore the roots of your shame and self-judgement without fear of further criticism or condemnation. It’s a confidential space where you can unpack deeply buried feelings and experiences that you might never have shared with anyone else.

• Uncovering the Roots: A therapist can help you understand why that shame took hold and why it's so persistent. We can explore past experiences, family dynamics, and societal messages that contributed to your inner critic's strength. Understanding the "why" can be incredibly validating and disarming for the shame.

• Learning Practical Tools and Techniques: This isn't just about talking. Therapists can equip you with evidence-based strategies from approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to learn how to relate differently to difficult thoughts and feelings. We can also guide you through specific self-compassion exercises and mindfulness practices designed to cultivate kindness towards yourself.

• Processing Old Memories: Sometimes, the shame is tied to specific traumatic or highly distressing events. A therapist can help you safely process these memories, reducing their emotional charge and allowing you to integrate them into your understanding of your life story in a healthier way, rather than being defined by them.

• Building Self-Worth from the Ground Up: Therapy can help you dismantle the belief that you are inherently flawed due to past events. We work together to build a more realistic, compassionate, and accurate self-image, one that acknowledges your human imperfections but also celebrates your strengths, resilience, and inherent worth.

• Validation and Empowerment: To have someone listen, truly hear you, and validate your struggles can be profoundly healing. A therapist can help you see that your feelings are valid, that your journey is unique, and that you are deserving of kindness, acceptance, and a future free from the shackles of old shame.

  
  

Carrying old shame is exhausting, and it robs you of the peace and joy you deserve. You are not defined by your past mistakes, and you are not condemned to a life of self-judgement. If you’re feeling stuck and hopeless, please know that there is hope, and there is support available. Reaching out is a brave first step towards freeing yourself from that heavy burden and cultivating a life where self-compassion is not just a concept, but a lived experience.

If you're struggling with feelings of shame, low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression, please consider reaching out to me here or via email here. I'm here to help you navigate these challenging emotions and find a path towards greater self-kindness and acceptance.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy