A Fear of Dying, a Desire to Live

I recently decided I wanted to talk about a very common but often unspoken fear: the fear of dying and the big question of what comes next.

It’s a question that has likely crossed all of our minds at some point. For some, it's a fleeting thought, a momentary curiosity in the small hours of the morning. For others, it’s a constant, nagging worry that can feel overwhelming. This intense anxiety about death, known as thanatophobia, is far more common than you might think. It's something I spend a lot of time exploring with clients in my therapy room.

Most people have an innate fear of the unknown. Death is arguably the biggest unknown of all. Our brains, which are hardwired for survival and certainty, can find the lack of a definitive answer to what comes next incredibly difficult to process. This can lead to all sorts of anxieties. We might worry about the physical pain of dying, what will happen to our loved ones, or simply the thought of ceasing to exist.

In my work, I've found that the fear of death isn't always about the end itself. It’s often a fear of not having lived enough, of not having made the most of our time. It can be a fear of missed opportunities, of unsaid words, and of unfulfilled dreams. When we face this fear head-on, it can be a powerful catalyst for change.

The Existential Perspective

From an existentialist point of view, the anxiety we feel about death isn’t something to be cured, but rather something to be embraced. Existentialism suggests that life has no inherent meaning, and it is up to us to create our own purpose and value. This might sound scary at first, but it's actually incredibly empowering. The fact that we have a finite amount of time gives our lives meaning and urgency.

Our legacy, in this sense, isn't about leaving behind a great fortune or a historical monument. It's about the ripple effect we have on the world. It’s in the love we give and receive, the friendships we nurture, and the kindness we show to others and ourselves. This is our true legacy—the lasting impact of our character and actions. When you connect deeply with people, you are creating something that lasts beyond your physical existence. You are a part of their story, just as they are a part of yours.

So, even if you don't believe in an afterlife or reincarnation, you can still find comfort and purpose in the here and now. The truth is, right now, we are alive. And that is a powerful and wonderful thing to hold onto.

The Role of Faith and Spirituality

For many people, faith or spirituality can provide a great deal of comfort and a framework for understanding death. The belief in an afterlife, heaven, reincarnation, or simply a greater cosmic order can help to alleviate the fear of the unknown. These beliefs can offer a sense of continuity, purpose, and hope beyond our physical existence. They can also provide a community of support and rituals that help us process grief and loss.

However, for those who don't have a strong religious or spiritual belief system, or for whom these ideas don't fully ease their anxiety, the question of "what next?" can feel particularly daunting. It’s important to acknowledge that whether you believe in life after death or not, the fear is real and valid. My job as a therapist is to help you manage that fear, regardless of your personal beliefs.

What Can Help with the Worry?

So, if these worries are getting to you, what can you do?

• Focus on the Present: This might sound cliché, but it's an incredibly powerful tool. Instead of trying to find a definitive answer to the unanswerable, focus on what you can control: your present. Engage in activities that bring you joy and a sense of purpose. Learn a new skill, spend time in nature, or simply have a good conversation with a friend. These moments ground you in the here and now. The truth is, right now, we are alive. That’s a powerful and wonderful thing to hold onto. Make the most of this reality.

  
  

• Connect with Others: Our relationships are a key part of our legacy. Reach out to a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, spend quality time with family, or volunteer in your community. These connections are a beautiful way to create meaning and a lasting impact.

  
  

• Talk About It: Don't suffer in silence. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional can make a huge difference. Just verbalising your fears can lessen their power. It helps you realise you’re not alone in these feelings.

  
  

• Embrace Uncertainty: This can be a tough one, but it’s vital. We spend so much of our lives trying to control everything, but some things will always remain a mystery. Practicing mindfulness and acceptance can help you find peace in that uncertainty. You can’t know - with any certainty - what comes next, but you can make a conscious choice about how you live today.

How Can Therapy Help?

Both talking therapy and hypnotherapy can be incredibly effective tools for managing the fear of dying.

In Talking therapy, we create a safe, non-judgemental space for you to explore these fears. I often work with clients to reframe their anxiety. Instead of seeing the fear of death as a paralysing force, we can use it as a reminder to live more fully. We can explore the roots of your anxiety, look at any underlying issues, and develop practical coping strategies. It’s about accepting the fear while it's there and learning not to let it control your life.

Hypnotherapy works differently, by targeting your subconscious mind. In a gentle, relaxed state, we can work on reducing the anxious thoughts and physical sensations associated with the fear. We might use imagery and positive suggestions to help you feel calmer and more in control. For example, we could focus on a feeling of peace and acceptance, helping to build new, more helpful thought patterns that replace the old, fearful ones. Hypnotherapy can be a powerful way to reduce the immediate, overwhelming feelings of panic and anxiety, allowing you to then explore the deeper issues in a more manageable way.

In conclusion, it's not about ignoring the fear, but about learning to live alongside it. We can’t be certain what comes next, but we can make a conscious choice about how we live today. If you're struggling with these feelings, please know that help is available. Contact me here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy