Living in Thoughts (a Defence Mechanism)

I frequently have this conversation with those who visit me: they recount a significant life event, a challenging relationship, or a distressing experience with exceptional clarity and detail. They can explain every aspect, every logical reason for how it occurred, and precisely what they think about it. However, when I softly enquire, "And how did that make you feel?" there's a lengthy, awkward pause. It's as though they've encountered a locked door, and the key is missing.

This isn't a sign of emotional weakness; in fact, it's often a testament to your immense inner strength. At some point in your life, you became an expert at living in your head because, for whatever reason, it was the safest place to be. Perhaps you had to be the strong one, the one who kept it all together while everyone else was falling apart. Maybe you learned, either through explicit messages or subtle cues, that certain feelings — like anger, sadness, or vulnerability — were not welcome. So, you tucked them away, deep down, to keep the peace and protect yourself. This is an act of repression or intellectualisation, a powerful defence mechanism that served a crucial purpose when you needed it most.

The Unseen Cost of a Life Lived in Your Head

While this coping strategy may have offered a temporary sense of control, it creates a significant and often painful chasm between what you think and what you truly feel. And this gap, while it may feel normal, comes at a very real and lasting cost:

• Detachment in Relationships: We build genuine, meaningful connections with others on an emotional level. If you can’t access your own feelings, it becomes incredibly difficult to truly understand and empathise with those around you. You might find yourself feeling isolated, watching your relationships from a distance rather than fully participating in them. For example, a partner might share their deep frustration about a problem at work, and you might respond with a purely logical solution, completely missing the need for emotional support. This leaves both of you feeling misunderstood and distant.

  
  

• Difficulty with Decision-Making: Our intuition, or "gut feeling," is our body's way of communicating a complex emotional response to a situation. Without access to these feelings, every choice becomes a purely logical exercise. You might weigh the pros and cons endlessly, creating detailed spreadsheets, but without that emotional input, you're left with a sense of emptiness. A classic example is the person who accepts a job offer that looks perfect on paper — great salary, impressive title—but deep down, they feel a knot of dread in their stomach. By ignoring that feeling, they may find themselves miserable six months later, with no idea why.

  
  

• Emotional Numbness and Burnout: Living solely in your head is an exhausting endeavour. The constant mental analysis and suppression of feelings requires immense energy. Over time, this can lead to a state of emotional numbness, where nothing feels particularly good or bad. This isn't peace; it's a form of emotional burnout. It robs life of its colour and can lead to a pervasive sense of emptiness or apathy. It’s the feeling of going through the motions, with no real joy or sorrow.

  
  

• Physical Manifestations of Unresolved Pain: The feelings you repress don't simply vanish. They get stored in your body and mind, often manifesting as physical symptoms. The chronic tension in your shoulders, that persistent knot in your stomach before a difficult conversation, or a general feeling of fatigue could all be your body's way of screaming what your mind has been silencing. Your feelings are still there, trying to get your attention, and the gap between your thoughts and feelings is the source of this tension.

This gap isn’t just an interesting psychological quirk; it's a barrier to a full, authentic, and connected life. Paying attention to it is not a sign of weakness, but an act of profound self-care. It’s about honouring your entire experience as a human being.

You Don't Have to Acknowledge Your Feelings for Them to Affect You

One of the most important things to understand is that just because you have adopted a policy of not recognising or acknowledging your feelings, it doesn't mean they're not still affecting you. The repression of emotions is not a form of erasure. The feelings remain, often operating just below the surface, influencing your behaviour and well-being in subtle yet powerful ways.

You may find yourself reacting to situations in ways that seem disproportionate to the event itself, snapping at a loved one over something minor, or feeling a wave of sadness you can't explain. These are often the muffled echoes of the feelings you've pushed away. Your emotional system is still at work, but without your conscious awareness, it can feel like you're not in the driver's seat. The true power comes from bringing these unconscious emotions into the light so you can finally understand and navigate them.

Rebuilding the Bridge: How Therapy Can Help

The journey back to your feelings isn’t about suddenly unlocking a floodgate of emotion. It’s about small, gentle steps. It's about acknowledging that the part of you who built that emotional wall was trying to protect you. My role is to help you understand why it was built in the first place, and to provide a safe, non-judgemental space to carefully and compassionately dismantle it, brick by brick.

Within our work, we might explore different therapeutic approaches that are particularly effective for this kind of disconnect. For example, we might use Inner Child work to understand how a younger version of you might have started repressing feelings. We'll listen to what that younger self needed and how we can now, as adults, meet those needs. Similarly, we might use Internal Family Systems (IFS), which sees the psyche as being made up of various "parts"—a logical, intellectual part, a wounded, emotional part, and a strong, protective part. We can get to know these different parts of you, giving them a voice and helping them work together in harmony, rather than in conflict.

Therapy isn't about getting rid of your thoughts; they are a vital part of who you are. It's about helping you integrate your whole self — your brilliant mind and your wise heart — so you can navigate life with more balance, authenticity, and peace.

If you’re tired of living in your head and are ready to explore what it feels like to live with your whole self, I'm here to help. Taking that first step is often the hardest, but it’s the most important one you can take towards a more connected and fulfilling life. Reach me here or via email here. Let's talk.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy