Always ruminating on "Why?"

Stuck on 'Why'? It's Time to Feel 'How'

Have you ever found yourself replaying a conversation or a painful situation in your mind, endlessly trying to figure out why someone treated you badly or unkindly? This is a common and incredibly painful trap.

You may find that rather than using the painful experience to make a decision that values your self-worth, you instead become fixated on the other person's behaviour. On some deep-rooted level, it's as if you feel that if you can just understand their reasoning, you might find something wrong with yourself that explains it. You dissect every word, every action, hoping to find a logical reason for their behaviour. But the truth is, someone else’s "why" is not your responsibility, and it's not the key to your healing.

This pursuit of "why" is often a search for a sense of control over something you never had control over in the first place. We mistakenly believe that if we can just crack the code of another person’s motivations, we can prevent future hurt. But in doing so, we give away our power and leave ourselves vulnerable to the actions of others.

And, even if someone takes the time to explain their reasons, how can you be sure their explanation is the whole truth? How do you know you can trust it? Often, what they tell you is a reflection of their own fears, avoidance, or "stuff." It may simply be their opinion, or their unconsciousness, and not a reflection of your worth. You may struggle to differentiate between their reasoning and their excuses, and you may end up internalising their baggage as your own. You are left trying to make sense of a narrative that isn't even truly yours, and that can be a deeply confusing and damaging process.

The Problem with 'Why?'

When you’re fixated on "why," you’re allowing someone else's actions to dictate your emotional state. This endless questioning can lead to:

• Self-blame: "Maybe if I'd been different, they wouldn't have treated me that way." This mindset erodes your self-esteem and makes you believe you are the one at fault.

• A lack of closure: You're waiting for an apology or an explanation that may never come. True closure comes from within, not from another person's words or actions.

• Resentment: You become bitter and stuck because you feel you've been treated unfairly, and you can't move forward.

• Ignoring your own needs: You're so focused on the other person that you forget to check in with yourself. Your feelings, your well-being, and your needs take a backseat to someone else's behaviour.

  
  

The problem with "why" is that it’s often truly unanswerable. We can't know what’s going on in someone else's head. We can’t get into their memories, their upbringing, or their current stress levels. We can't change their past, and we can't force them to be different. Our only real option is to change our own focus.

Shifting to 'How': A Path to Healing

Instead of asking "why did they do that?" a more loving and productive question is, "How has this left me feeling?"

This small shift in focus changes everything. It brings your attention back to yourself and your emotional well-being. It gives you back your power. When you start to feel and process your emotions, you can begin to heal and make decisions that protect you. This might look like:

• Acknowledging the hurt: It's okay to feel angry, sad, betrayed or disappointed. Give yourself permission to truly feel those feelings without judgement. You can't heal what you don't acknowledge.

• Communicating your needs: Once you understand how you feel, you can communicate your needs clearly. This isn't about blaming or shaming the other person; it's about stating your boundaries and taking care of yourself.

• Practising self-love: This means giving yourself the comfort and compassion you need. It might be talking to a trusted friend or therapist, journalling your feelings to get them out of your head, or simply taking a walk to clear your head.

Setting Boundaries: Your Act of Self-Love

Once you’ve processed your feelings, you can take the next crucial step: setting boundaries.

Boundaries aren't about controlling others; they're about protecting yourself. They are a loving act of self-care that says, "I deserve to be treated with respect, and I will not allow others' 'stuff' to affect me in this way."

This might mean:

• Saying "no": Declining an invitation or a request that you know will drain you.

• Limiting contact: Choosing to spend less time with people who consistently cross your boundaries.

• Creating space: Politely ending a conversation when it starts to become toxic or unproductive.

• Ending unhealthy relationships: Making the brave and loving decision to end relationships that are continuously harmful to your well-being.

  
  

It takes courage to stop asking "why" and to start truly feeling "how." But by doing so, you can break free from the cycle of frustration and start building a life where your emotional well-being is a priority.

Are you ready to stop chasing "why" and start healing "how"? I can help you navigate this journey so get in touch here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy