Is Your Inner Critic a Form of Self-Harm?
- Freedom Therapy
- Aug 11
- 7 min read
Hello there, and thank you for taking the time to read this. As a therapist, I spend my days listening to people's stories, but I'm also just a person who knows how easy it is to be unkind to ourselves. I’ve had my own moments of thinking harshly about myself, and I get it — it’s so easy to slip into that cycle of self-blame, especially when we're feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain tired.
When we talk about self-harm, our minds often go to the physical — cutting, burning, or other visible injuries. But what if I told you that many of us engage in a form of self-harm that leaves no physical scars, yet can be just as damaging? I’m talking about the harsh inner critic — that relentless voice in our heads that tells us we’re not good enough, that we’re a burden, and that our loved ones deserve better.
I've had countless conversations with clients who, when we dig into it, reveal a devastating pattern: they've replaced physical self-harm with an internal one. The logic is often a heartbreaking one: “If I'm hurting on the inside, at least I’m not worrying my family or friends. They don’t have to see my pain, and they don’t have to deal with the consequences of it.” This is a deeply compassionate, yet ultimately destructive, way of thinking. It's born from a place of immense love and self-sacrifice, wanting to protect others, even if it means destroying ourselves in the process.
The problem is, many people don't even realise that this constant internal cruelty is a form of self-abuse. They've been living with this voice for so long that they don't see it as an outside force, but as an integral part of who they are. It's just "me." Because there are no visible scars, no one else can see the damage it’s causing, and we learn to carry it in secret. We might think of it as "just being hard on myself," or "having high standards," but when that inner voice is telling you that you are worthless, a failure, or unlovable, it's not being productive; it's being destructive. It’s the difference between a coach pushing you to be better and a bully telling you that you’ll never be good enough.
What's Really Going on Inside? The Psychology of the Inner Critic
When we turn our pain inward and adopt a harsh inner critic, it's a complex psychological dance. We aren't simply being unkind to ourselves for no reason. There's usually a deep-seated belief that’s driving this behaviour.
A Misguided Attempt at Protection: One of the most common reasons for an overly harsh inner critic is the subconscious belief that we can somehow control our pain. We might think that if we beat ourselves up enough, we’ll be shielded from future pain. For example, before a job interview, the inner critic might say, "You're going to mess this up. You're not qualified, and you'll say something stupid." The twisted logic behind this is to prepare for the worst. The thinking is, "If I already believe I'm a failure, the rejection won't hurt as much." It's an attempt to brace ourselves, but it doesn't work. It's like trying to brace for a fall by punching the ground beforehand. It doesn’t make the fall hurt less; it just means you're already bruised when you hit the floor.
Internalising Past Experiences: Our inner critic often has a history. If you grew up in an environment where you were constantly criticised, your mind may have internalised those voices as a survival mechanism. Maybe a parent always told you, "You'll never amount to anything," or a school bully relentlessly picked on your weight. Over time, your mind started to echo those messages. It's a way of making the pain predictable. The internal voice, while painful, is a consistent source of pain that you can learn to manage, which can feel safer than the constant external pain of a critical parent or a bully.
A Secret Internal Life and Fear of Abandonment: This is perhaps the most insidious part. The internal self-harm creates a deeply private, secret world. On the outside, you might seem perfectly fine—you might be the life of the party, a supportive friend, or a high-achieving colleague. But on the inside, there's a constant, deafening monologue of criticism. This internal life becomes a kind of prison, and the fear of judgment or rejection from others makes it feel impossible to ever let anyone in. This often stems from a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which can be rooted in childhood experiences. You might be convinced that if people really knew what you were like — if they saw the 'real' you — they would leave. This fear can affect your ability to connect on a deeper level and find it hard to truly trust people. It forces you to wear a mask, creating a sense of being an impostor in your own life, which is both exhausting and isolating.
Impostor Syndrome and the Unworthy Feeling: Closely linked to this is impostor syndrome, a relentless feeling that you're a fraud and don't deserve your success, love, or happiness. Even when you achieve something great—a promotion, a loving relationship, or a creative triumph—your inner critic is quick to dismiss it. It whispers, "They just haven't figured you out yet," or "You're not really that good; you just got lucky." This unworthiness can make it impossible to truly enjoy your successes or accept love and praise from others. You might push people away, sabotage your own happiness, or constantly seek validation, only to dismiss it when you receive it. The constant fear is that you'll be found out, exposed as the "impostor" you secretly believe yourself to be.
When this goes on for a long time, it starts to feel normal. The harsh inner critic becomes a constant companion, and you begin to believe that this is just “the way you are.” The idea of self-love or self-compassion can feel completely alien, or even laughable. You might think, "That's for other people. I’m just not built that way.” You might be so accustomed to this internal landscape that you can't imagine a life without it. The pain, while immense, is also a familiar comfort.
Peeling Back the Layers: Getting to the Core of Your Feelings
Healing from this is a lot like peeling an onion. The inner critic feels like the core of who you are, but it's really just the outer layer — a tough, protective skin that has been built up over time to shield a much softer, more vulnerable core. When you first start to peel it back, it can make your eyes water. The process is uncomfortable, and it might even feel painful at first. You might think, "This is too hard; I'll just put the layer back on." But each layer you peel back is a step toward getting to the sweet, tender part in the middle — the real you.
The first layer you encounter is often the "noise" of the inner critic—the loud, repetitive, and often dramatic statements like, "You're a failure," or "You're so stupid." This is the part that is most conscious and familiar. The work here is to just notice this noise without judgement.
Once you can create a little space between yourself and the noise, you can start to gently peel it back to reveal the next layer: the thought. Underneath "You're a failure," might be the more specific thought, "I messed up that presentation and everyone thinks I'm incompetent." This layer is still a criticism, but it’s more specific and therefore easier to challenge.
As you continue to peel, you get to the next, more vulnerable layer: the feeling. What is the emotion behind the thought? The thought "I messed up that presentation and everyone thinks I'm incompetent" is likely driven by feelings of shame, embarrassment, or fear. This is the first moment of real connection with yourself, a chance to acknowledge the underlying emotion.
Finally, at the very core, is the need. This is the tender part you've been protecting all along. What is the fundamental need behind the feeling? The feeling of shame or embarrassment from the presentation might be rooted in a deeper need to feel competent, to be seen, to be valued, or to belong. This is the core truth. It’s not that you are a failure; it’s that you have a very human need to feel valued and you're afraid that need won't be met.
So, how do you break free from a pattern that has become so deeply ingrained? It starts with self-awareness.
Notice the Voice (The Noise): The first step is to simply become aware of the inner critic. Don't try to stop it or fight it just yet. Just notice when it speaks. A helpful exercise is to imagine a little "bell" that rings every time you have a critical thought about yourself. Don't judge the thought, just acknowledge it. "Oh, there’s that voice again, telling me I’m a failure." This simple act of noticing creates a small but powerful gap between you and the thought. You are the observer, not the thought itself.
Challenge the Narrative (The Thought): Once you've started to notice the voice, you can begin to question it. Is what it's saying actually true? Is there another way to look at this situation? For example, if the voice says, "You’ve messed up that presentation and everyone thinks you're incompetent," you can gently challenge it with questions like: "Is that 100% true?", "What evidence do I have for that thought?", or "Could there be another explanation?"
Acknowledge the Feeling: This is where you get to connect with the more vulnerable part of you. Once you’ve challenged the thought, you can ask yourself, "What am I really feeling right now?" Give yourself permission to feel shame, fear, or sadness without judgement.
Offer Yourself Kindness (The Need): This is the heart of self-compassion. When you notice a critical thought, ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" The answer is almost always kind, supportive, and understanding. You would say, "I know you're disappointed, but you tried your best. It's okay to feel this way. Let's get a cup of tea and talk about it." The goal is to start offering yourself that same kindness, validating your need to be valued and seen.
Healing the Root Cause: This is where therapy is so invaluable. The harsh inner critic didn't just appear out of nowhere. It's often a symptom of deeper wounds — from childhood, past relationships, or traumatic experiences. In therapy, we can explore and heal those root causes. By working through the original pain, you can dismantle the need for the inner critic and create a new, healthier internal environment.
If you recognise this pattern in yourself, please know that healing is possible. You are not "just built this way." You are a person who has developed a coping mechanism that, while understandable, is no longer serving you. You deserve to be treated with kindness, from both others and from yourself. Reaching out for support is a brave and powerful first step. And remember, the people who love you would never want you to hurt yourself—in any way.
Kirsten
Comments