It's Okay to Say 'No': Boundaries and Looking After Your Mental Health

Let's have a chat about something really important for your mental well-being: saying 'no'. It might sound simple, but for many of us, it can feel like navigating a thorny maze. As a therapist, I see firsthand how the inability to set healthy boundaries can impact people's lives, leading to stress, burnout, and feelings of resentment. So, let's explore the art of saying 'no' and how it can actually be a powerful act of self-care.

Why is Saying 'No' So Blooming Difficult?

Think about it. From a young age, many of us are taught to be helpful, agreeable, and to put others first. Saying 'no' can feel selfish, or we might worry about disappointing people or damaging relationships. Perhaps you're a natural people-pleaser, or maybe you've learned that saying 'yes' keeps the peace, at least in the short term.

We might also underestimate the cumulative effect of saying 'yes' when we really mean 'no'. Each small agreement can chip away at our time, energy, and emotional resources. Before we know it, we're feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, and maybe even a bit resentful.

The Link Between Boundaries and Mental Health

Healthy boundaries are like invisible fences that protect our time, energy, emotions, and physical space. They help us define where we end and others begin. When we struggle to say 'no', these boundaries become porous, allowing others to encroach in ways that don't serve us.

Consistently overcommitting ourselves can lead to:

• Increased Stress and Anxiety: Feeling like we're constantly juggling too much can trigger our stress response and fuel anxiety.

• Burnout: When we don't have enough time for rest and rejuvenation, we risk emotional and physical exhaustion.

• Resentment: Saying 'yes' when we'd rather not can breed feelings of anger and resentment towards those we've agreed to help.

• Lowered Self-Esteem: Constantly putting others' needs before our own can reinforce the belief that our needs aren't as important.

• Relationship Strain: Ironically, a lack of boundaries can actually damage relationships in the long run, as unmet expectations and resentment can build up.

  
  

The Art of Saying 'No' – Practical Tips

Learning to say 'no' is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Here are a few gentle ways to start incorporating it into your life:

• Start Small: Begin with less significant requests to build your confidence.

• Be Direct and Clear: You don't need to offer lengthy explanations or apologies. A simple "Thank you for the offer, but I'm not able to commit to that right now" is perfectly acceptable.

• Buy Yourself Time: If you're unsure, don't feel pressured to give an immediate answer. Say something like, "Let me have a think about that and get back to you."

• Offer Alternatives (Sometimes): If you genuinely want to help but can't in the way requested, you could suggest an alternative. However, don't feel obligated to do this every time.

• Focus on Your Priorities: Remind yourself of your own commitments and values. Saying 'no' to one thing might mean saying 'yes' to something more important to you.

• It's Okay to Feel a Bit Uncomfortable: Saying 'no' might feel awkward at first, but that feeling will likely pass. Remember, you're prioritising your well-being.

• Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process. It's a journey, not a destination.

  
  

The Guilt Gremlin and How to Tame It

One of the biggest hurdles in saying 'no' is often the guilt that creeps in. This little voice might whisper things like, "You're letting them down," or "They'll be angry with you." It's important to recognise that these feelings are often rooted in our desire to be liked and accepted.

Here's how we can gently challenge that guilt gremlin:

• Reframe 'No' as Self-Care: Instead of viewing 'no' as a negative act, see it as an act of kindness towards yourself. By protecting your time and energy, you're ensuring you have the resources to be present and helpful in the areas that truly matter.

• Remember Your Worth Isn't Dependent on Saying 'Yes': Your value as a person doesn't diminish when you decline a request. True friends and colleagues will respect your boundaries.

• Consider the Long-Term Impact: While saying 'yes' might offer temporary relief from potential discomfort, the long-term consequences of overcommitment can be far more damaging to your well-being and even your relationships. Resentment, burnout, and feeling overwhelmed can take a significant toll.

• Practice Self-Talk: When that guilt starts to bubble up, challenge those negative thoughts. Remind yourself why you're saying 'no' and that it's a healthy and necessary thing to do.

  
  

The Power of a Polite Decline

Saying 'no' doesn't have to be harsh or confrontational. In fact, a polite and considerate decline can often be received much better.

• Acknowledge the Request: Start by acknowledging the person's request. This shows you've heard them. For example, "Thank you so much for inviting me..." or "I appreciate you thinking of me for this..."

• State Your 'No' Clearly: Be direct but gentle. Avoid vague language or maybes, as this can lead to confusion.

• Offer a Brief Reason (Optional): You don't always need to provide a reason, but a brief and honest explanation can sometimes help the other person understand. Keep it concise and avoid over-apologising.

• Maintain a Positive Tone: Your body language and tone of voice can make a big difference. Be friendly and respectful, even as you decline the request.

Navigating Specific Scenarios

Let's explore some specific scenarios where saying 'no' can be particularly tricky and how we might navigate them, keeping our mental well-being in mind. The way we say 'no' might vary depending on the context and our relationship with the person making the request.

• Scenario 1: The Overly Demanding Friend: Be honest but kind. You could say something like, "Hey [Friend's Name], I really value our friendship, and I want to be there for you. However, I'm finding it a bit difficult to juggle everything at the moment, and I won't be able to [specific request] this time. Perhaps we could [suggest an alternative way to connect or help in the future]?"

• Scenario 2: The Guilt-Tripping Family Member: Stay firm and avoid getting drawn into their emotional tactics. You could say, "I understand that you're disappointed, but I've made my decision, and it's what's best for me right now."

• Scenario 3: The Persistent Colleague: Focus on your workload and priorities. You could say, "Thanks for thinking of me. I'm currently focused on [mention your key tasks and deadlines], and I wouldn't be able to take on anything else right now without compromising those. Perhaps you could speak to [your manager or another colleague] who might have more capacity?"

• Scenario 4: The Last-Minute Request: Buy yourself time if possible. Say something like, "Let me just check my schedule/commitments and get back to you shortly."

What if People React Negatively?

It's a valid concern that sometimes, people might not react well to our 'no'. They might become pushy, disappointed, or even angry. While you can't control their reactions, you can control how you respond.

• Stand Your Ground (Politely): You don't need to defend your decision endlessly. Reiterate your 'no' calmly and firmly.

• Don't Get Drawn into Arguments: If someone becomes argumentative, try to disengage from the discussion. You don't need to justify your boundaries to someone who isn't respecting them.

• Remember It's Their Reaction, Not Your Responsibility: How someone else chooses to respond to your 'no' is ultimately their own issue. You are not responsible for managing their emotions.

• Seek Support if Needed: If you consistently face negative reactions when setting boundaries, or if it brings up significant anxiety, talking to a therapist can provide you with strategies and support.

The Importance of Consistency

Once you start setting boundaries, it's important to be as consistent as possible. Consistency shows that you're serious about your limits.

Recognising Your Body's Signals

Pay attention to feelings of resentment, fatigue, anxiety, and irritability – these can indicate your boundaries are being crossed.

Therapy as a Tool for Boundary Setting

Therapy can help you identify root causes, develop assertiveness skills, challenge negative thoughts, build self-esteem, and practice setting boundaries.

Ultimately, the art of saying 'no' is a crucial aspect of self-care and a cornerstone of good mental health. It's about honouring your own needs, protecting your energy, and fostering healthier, more balanced relationships. It's not always easy, but the long-term benefits for your well-being are immeasurable. So, be kind to yourself as you learn this valuable skill, and remember that every 'no' you give to others can be a powerful 'yes' to yourself.

If you need help in setting (healthier) boundaries, why not considering reaching out to me. I offer a free 20-min consultation, or reduced-rate one-off session, to see how I could help. Get in contact here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy