Repetitive Cycle of Emotional Pain

Why We Keep Picking at the Emotional Pain Scab

Have you ever found yourself in a frustrating loop, repeating the same self-sabotaging behaviours and making the same poor decisions, even when you know they aren't good for you? This can be an incredibly painful and confusing experience. It often feels as though you're stuck in a cycle, continually proving your deepest, most difficult fears about yourself.

This isn't a sign of weakness; it's a testament to the complex, and often unconscious, ways our past experiences shape our present actions. In the world of therapy, we see this pattern all the time. Let's delve into the intricate reasons why we can become so deeply entrenched in our emotional pain and why we might even repeat decisions that seem to confirm our worst fears about ourselves.

The Familiarity of Pain: A Kind of Emotional Comfort Blanket

It might seem counter-intuitive, but emotional pain can, in a strange way, feel like a form of comfort. Not because it's pleasant, but because it's familiar. Our brains are wired to seek out patterns and predict outcomes. If you grew up in an environment where you consistently experienced criticism, neglect, or had your feelings dismissed, your brain learned to anticipate a certain level of emotional discomfort.

This created a blueprint for what feels 'normal.' When you encounter a new situation — be it a healthy relationship, a supportive friendship, or a fulfilling job — that doesn't align with this blueprint, it can feel foreign and even threatening. Your subconscious might sound an alarm, whispering, "This can't be real. It's too good to be true." To return to a state of perceived normalcy and safety, we might unknowingly create chaos, distance ourselves, or otherwise sabotage the good things in our lives. We're not actively trying to hurt ourselves; we're just reverting to the familiar emotional landscape, no matter how painful it may be.

Proving Our Deepest Fears: A Tragic Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Often, the 'bad decisions' we make aren't random; they are a tragic fulfilment of our core beliefs. These beliefs are the deep-seated stories we internalised in childhood about who we are and our place in the world. They can sound like:

• "I'm not worthy of love."

• "I'm always going to be abandoned."

• "I'm destined to fail at everything I try."

  
  

When we carry these beliefs, our subconscious acts like a magnet, drawing us towards people and situations that will validate them. You might find yourself repeatedly choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, or perhaps staying in a job where you're consistently overlooked and undervalued. Each time a painful outcome occurs, it feels like proof. The inner voice, that relentless inner critic, says, "See? I knew it. I told you I wasn't good enough/deserving of love/going to succeed."

This behaviour is a defence mechanism, albeit a deeply painful one. By proving our fears right, we regain a sense of control. We get to say, "I saw this coming," rather than being completely blindsided by pain we weren't prepared for. It's a way of avoiding the truly terrifying possibility that maybe, just maybe, our deepest fears are not actually true and that we are worthy of something better.

The Scab Analogy: Why We Can't Just 'Get Over It'

Think of emotional pain like a physical wound. Initially, it's raw and requires careful attention.

Over time, a scab forms — a protective layer that allows the healing process to happen underneath. But what do we so often do? We pick at the scab. We revisit the source of the hurt, ruminate on the painful memories, and mentally re-enact the moments of suffering. This prevents the wound from healing properly, leaving it vulnerable to further pain and scarring.

Picking at the scab is a perfect metaphor for repeating bad decisions. We know it hurts, but we can't seem to stop. The familiarity of the pain, the subconscious need to prove our fears, and the deep-rooted draw to what we've always known make us return to the wound again and again. It's a deeply ingrained habit, a part of our survival strategy, and it’s why simply "getting over it" is never as easy as it sounds.

Breaking the Cycle: How Therapy Helps You Heal

Breaking free from this cycle isn't a matter of willpower; it's a journey of understanding and healing. Therapy provides a safe, non-judgemental space to do this vital work:

1. Identify Your Core Beliefs: We'll work together to gently uncover the painful stories you've been telling yourself since childhood.

2. Challenge the Narrative: Once we've identified these beliefs, we can begin to question their validity. Are they based on who you truly are, or are they a distorted reflection of past hurts?

3. Develop New Coping Mechanisms: We'll explore and practise healthier ways of responding to discomfort and uncertainty, so you don't have to resort to old, self-sabotaging behaviours.

4. Embrace the Unfamiliar: Therapy can help you gradually learn to tolerate and even embrace the discomfort that comes with new, positive experiences and relationships. It’s about building a new emotional blueprint—one where you feel safe and secure without having to prove your fears.

   
   

You are not destined to repeat your past. The first step is to recognise the pattern, and the next is to seek support to help you heal the wounds and finally let the scabs fall away, revealing a new, healthier self.

If you're ready to break free from the cycle of repeating past pain, please get in touch here or via email here for a confidential chat about how we can work together. Your journey to healing starts here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy