Why We Mistake Chaos for Intimacy

When we talk about "falling in love", we often imagine it as a conscious choice made by the heart or a magical spark of chemistry. However, for many of us, our romantic attractions are less about finding a soulmate and more about following a subconscious blueprint—a map of intimacy drawn during our most vulnerable, formative years.

If your childhood was a place where love was conditional, unpredictable, or scarce, your adult relationships likely reflect those echoes. It is a painful irony of the human experience: the very things we survived as children often become the things we seek out as adults.

The Three Blueprints of Survival

Our early environments teach us what "love" looks like. If that love was distorted, our definition of connection becomes distorted too.

1. Love as a Transaction: The Eternal Caretaker

If you grew up in a household where you had to care for a parent’s emotional outbursts, physical illness, or addiction, you likely learned that your needs were a burden. To survive, you became the "good child", the "fixer", or the "perceptive one". In adulthood, this manifests as a belief that love must be earned through usefulness. You might find yourself chronically over-functioning in relationships—managing your partner’s life, anticipating their moods, and "fixing" their problems. You feel a sense of worth only when you are being helpful, and paradoxically, you may feel deep anxiety or "invisible" when a partner is actually stable and doesn't need your intervention.

2. Love as a Chase: The Pursuit of the Unavailable

If love in your childhood was followed by sudden withdrawal, coldness, or the dreaded "silent treatment", your nervous system became wired to perceive distance as an existential threat. You learned that the only way to feel safe was to bridge that gap and win the person back.

As an adult, this translates into a compulsion to chase. You may find yourself uninterested in people who are openly available and consistent. Instead, you are drawn to the "mysterious", the "emotionally guarded", or the "hot-and-cold" types. To your subconscious, the intense "high" of finally getting a response or a crumb of affection from someone distant feels like the only true proof of love. You mistake the anxiety of the chase for the depth of the connection.

3. Love as Unpredictability: The Trauma Bond

If the people who were supposed to protect you were sometimes incredibly kind and sometimes terrifying or volatile, your brain developed a high tolerance for chaos. You learned to live in a state of hyper-vigilance, constantly scanning for the next shift in the weather.

In adult life, you might confuse instability with intimacy. When a relationship is a rollercoaster of "high highs" and "low lows", the surge of adrenaline and cortisol can feel like "passion" or "soulmate energy". Without the drama, the fighting, or the tearful reconciliations, the relationship feels flat. You have been conditioned to believe that if there isn't a struggle, there isn't any real depth.

The Nervous System: Seeking the Familiar, Not the Healthy

The most frustrating part of the healing journey is the realisation that our bodies do not instinctively seek what is good for us; they seek what is familiar. Our nervous system is designed for survival, not necessarily happiness. Familiarity equals safety to the primitive brain—even if that "familiar" is actually harmful.

This creates a series of "traps" when we try to build healthy connections:

• Healthy Love Feels "Boring": If you are used to the frantic, electrical energy of earning love or surviving a storm, a partner who is consistently available can feel unexciting. You might tell yourself there’s "no chemistry", when in reality, your nervous system is simply missing the hits of stress hormones it usually associates with romance.

• Genuine Care Breeds Suspicion: When someone shows you kindness without an agenda, it can feel threatening. You might find yourself waiting for the "catch". You may even push them away or pick a fight just to return to a state of conflict that feels more "normal" to you.

• The Magnetism of the Hurt: We don't return to painful dynamics because we enjoy the pain. We return because our bodies recognise the landscape. It is the "known", and to our primal brain, the known is safer than the unknown.

  
  

Is it Chemistry or is it Chaos?

A Nervous System Checklist

If you aren't sure whether you are experiencing a deep connection or a trauma response, ask yourself if you recognise these signs:

• The "Spark" feels like anxiety: Your heart races, your stomach flips, and you feel "on edge" (often mistaken for butterflies).

• Obsessive thinking: You spend a disproportionate amount of time analysing their texts or trying to "read" their mood.

• The Rollercoaster: You feel incredibly high when you are with them, but incredibly low or insecure when you are apart.

• The Need to Prove: You feel like you have to perform, look perfect, or be "useful" to keep their interest.

• Hyper-vigilance: You are constantly scanning for signs of withdrawal or anger.

  
  

Healthy chemistry, by contrast, feels like a warm glow, a sense of "coming home", and a nervous system that feels settled rather than electrified.

How Therapy Helps You Re-write the Blueprint

Breaking these cycles is not as simple as "choosing better people". It requires a profound retraining of your nervous system and a grieving of the past. In therapy, we work through this transition in several key stages:

1. Recognising the "Hook": Identifying the specific physical sensations that arise when you are attracted to an unhealthy pattern.

2. Grieving the Childhood Role: Acknowledging that the caretaking or chasing you did as a child was a brilliant survival strategy, but it is no longer your job.

3. Expanding the Tolerance for Peace: Slowly increasing your capacity to sit with "calm". This involves teaching your body that "boring" is actually another word for safe.

4. Building a New Definition of Chemistry: Reframing what a "good" relationship feels like—moving away from the frantic highs and towards the warmth of being seen and respected.

   
   

Reflection Questions

• When you feel a strong "spark" with someone, does it feel like peace or does it feel like a race?

• If your partner didn't "need" you for anything today, would you still feel valuable in the relationship?

• Does "calm" feel like safety to you, or does it feel like something bad is about to happen?

  
  

Healing is the courageous process of teaching your body that love doesn't have to be a struggle to be real. You don't have to earn your place at the table; you are worthy of love simply because you exist.

Take the First Step Toward Healing

If you recognise these patterns in your own life and are ready to move from chaos to calm, I am here to help. You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

To book an initial consultation or to find out more about how we can work together to re-wire your blueprint for love, please contact me here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy