Pattern of Dating Avoidant Partners?

Are You Wondering, "Why Do I Always Seem to Choose an Avoidant Partner?"

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that feels like a constant pursuit? You’re trying to connect, to build intimacy, but your partner always seems to pull away just as you get close.

It's a frustrating, often painful, dance that many of us know all too well. If this pattern sounds familiar, you might be someone who repeatedly finds themselves drawn to avoidant partners. And if so, this isn't just a coincidence — it's a signpost on your path to self-discovery.

As a therapist, I spend a lot of time talking with people about their relationships. We often start by exploring attachment theory, a powerful framework for understanding how our early experiences with caregivers shape our behaviour in adult relationships. The three main attachment styles — secure, anxious, and avoidant — are more than just labels. They’re a way of understanding the blueprint for connection that we carry within us.

Someone with a secure attachment style generally feels comfortable with intimacy and independence. An anxious attachment style often leads to a deep desire for closeness, coupled with a fear of abandonment. And then there's the avoidant style, characterised by a strong need for independence and a tendency to withdraw from emotional intimacy.

If you’re reading this and nodding along, you might have an attachment style that's been influenced by past experiences. You might be wondering, "Why do I, as someone who craves closeness, keep getting involved with people who seem to run from it?"

The Unseen Connection Between Our Choices and Our Past

The answer, I believe, lies in what we need to heal. Our choice of partners isn't random; it's often a mirror reflecting what we need to address within ourselves. For those who repeatedly choose avoidant partners, this pattern is a powerful indicator of a deeper, unaddressed need.

Perhaps you feel an unspoken belief that you have to chase love, that it isn't something that can be freely given and received. This might stem from childhood experiences where emotional closeness felt conditional or inconsistent. Maybe you are a deeply empathetic person, and you are subconsciously drawn to someone you feel you can "fix" or "save" through your love and patience.

The constant push-and-pull with an avoidant partner can feel like a familiar, if painful, dynamic. It can be a re-enactment of old wounds, a way of subconsciously trying to resolve them. But the truth is, you can't force someone to be emotionally available if they aren't ready. The real work isn't in changing them; it's in understanding why you are so consistently drawn to this challenge.

This dynamic is often described as a "dance". One partner approaches, seeking connection, while the other steps back, needing space. It's a rhythm you become accustomed to, even if it leaves you feeling exhausted and unfulfilled. The emotional unavailability of an avoidant partner can trigger your own deepest insecurities and fears, creating a cycle of longing and rejection.

The Role of Emotional Regulation and Self-Worth

Beyond attachment styles, our choice of partners is also deeply linked to our own emotional regulation and self-worth. For many, the "chase" of an avoidant partner can be an intense, albeit unhealthy, way to feel alive. The highs of a momentary connection followed by the lows of their withdrawal can create a compelling, almost addictive, emotional rollercoaster. This is often because it mirrors a chaotic internal landscape, one that's uncomfortable with the quiet stability of a secure relationship.

We might also subconsciously believe that we are not worthy of an easy, unconditional love. We may believe that we have to "earn" love by proving our value through effort, patience, and sacrifice. The avoidant partner, with their emotional distance, provides the perfect stage for this unconscious belief to play out. Every small step they take towards you can feel like a huge victory, reinforcing the idea that love must be fought for.

Beyond the Label: Your Journey of Self-Awareness

Choosing an avoidant partner is an invitation to look inward. It’s a chance to ask yourself some profound questions:

• What am I seeking to heal in this dynamic?

• Am I truly comfortable with a secure, stable relationship, or does a part of me find the drama of an avoidant relationship strangely familiar?

• What does it say about my own self-worth if I keep investing in relationships where my needs for intimacy are unmet?

This journey of self-discovery can feel daunting, but it’s the most important work you can do. By understanding your own attachment style and the underlying beliefs driving your choices, you can begin to break the cycle. You can learn to set healthy boundaries, to recognise red flags, and most importantly, to cultivate a relationship with yourself that is rooted in self-worth, not in a need for external validation.

Your choice of partners is not just a label; it's a compass pointing you towards the work you need to do to find true, lasting connection. And that connection starts, as it always does, with you. The shift begins when you move from trying to change your partner to understanding yourself.

It's about stepping out of the dance and onto a different path — one that leads to genuine, secure love, both for yourself and with a partner who is ready and able to meet you there.

Remember, the goal isn't to find the perfect partner; it's to become the kind of person who can attract and sustain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. 💖

Need help in this area? Get in touch here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy