Stop Chasing Attention

The Silence is Your Answer

A lot of us have been there. Staring at our phone screen, willing a notification to pop up.

Crafting the perfect follow-up message—casual, light, not too desperate—after a text, an email, or even an invitation has been met with radio silence. You try to rationalise it: "They must be busy," "They probably just forgot," or "Maybe the message got lost."

Stop it.

It’s time for a harsh, but necessary, dose of reality: the lack of a reply, the slow or non-existent communication, the failure to proactively reach out or make concrete plans is a reply in itself. 

You are receiving information, even if it's not the word-for-word response you crave. It’s a clear signal, and it's one you need to start accepting.

The Undeniable Truth: They Would If They Wanted To

This is the central pillar of self-respect you need to build your foundation on: if they wanted to reply, they would.

Think about it. We live in a world where our phones are practically extensions of our hands. We are instantly reachable, constantly checking our screens for news, entertainment, and updates. Unless someone is genuinely off-grid, they saw your message. They just chose not to prioritise responding to it.

It's a brutal truth to face, but here it is: if they wanted to, they would. So, remember:

• You shouldn't have to ask for attention.

• You shouldn't have to constantly remind someone of your existence.

• You shouldn't be negotiating for your place in their life.

  
  

When you find yourself sending the third text after no response, or constantly being the sole person suggesting a meet-up only to be met with vague excuses ("I'll let you know," "Maybe next time," "So busy right now"), you are doing one thing: chasing. And frankly, you’re being needy because you’re demanding energy and focus that isn't being given.

A person who is genuinely interested in having you in their life, who values your time, and who respects you would not treat you like this. It doesn't matter how stressed, busy, or chaotic their life is. Everyone finds two minutes to send a quick text, a calendar invite, or a genuine apology for a delay for something—or someone—they genuinely care about.

"Busy" is a choice; being a priority is a choice.

The truth isn't that they've forgotten you. The truth is that you are not a priority in their life right now. And by constantly chasing them, you’re essentially asking for them to make you one. Stop asking. Stop begging for scraps of their time and attention. And value yourself!

The Drain of the Chase

The act of constantly chasing people doesn't just damage your dignity; it drains your energy and mental bandwidth.

Think about the time you spend:

1. Crafting the initial message with just the right tone.

2. Obsessively checking your phone for a reply.

3. Mentally rehearsing excuses for their delay.

4. Debating the perfect follow-up—is it too soon? Is it casual enough?

   
   

This mental load is enormous! It steals focus from your work, your hobbies, and the people who do actually show up for you. Every time you send that extra, unnecessary text, you’re telling yourself: "I am not important enough to be remembered without a prompt." That narrative is toxic, and it needs to stop.

See the signs. The slow reply, the non-committal answer, the repeated failure to initiate—these are all a resounding "No, not right now." Accept the answer, even if it hurts, and divert that enormous pile of wasted energy towards something positive for yourself.

Your Self-Worth is Not a Group Project

The urge to chase and demand attention is nearly always rooted in a place of low self-esteem and low self-worth. When we rely on another person's validation—their quick response, their eagerness to make plans—to feel good about ourselves, we hand over our emotional power.

You are effectively saying: "My value is dependent on whether or not you text me back."

Your self-worth is non-negotiable and should never be dependent on other people. It comes from within. You are a whole, complete, interesting human being without their attention. Every time you send that extra text, you chip away at your own dignity.

Instead of chasing them, stand up for your own self-love and self-respect. See the silence for what it is—a clear sign that you need to invest your precious time and energy elsewhere. Turn that focus inward. Recognise that you deserve relationships where the communication is reciprocal, enthusiastic, and respectful.

Why Therapy Can Be the Key to Breaking the Pattern

If this pattern of chasing people and seeking external validation is a recurring, frustrating feature in your life, it’s a strong sign that you need to address the underlying causes. This is where professional help, like therapy or counselling, can be a complete game-changer.

A qualified professional can help you stop the chase by addressing the roots of the problem:

1. Identifying the Roots of Low Self-Esteem: A therapist can guide you in exploring why you believe your worth is tied to another person's attention. This often stems from past experiences—whether in childhood, family dynamics, or previous relationships—that have taught you to seek validation outside of yourself because you didn't consistently receive it internally.

2. Challenging Negative Core Beliefs: You likely hold deep-seated, critical beliefs like "I’m not good enough," "I'm easily forgotten," or "I am only valued when I work hard for attention." Therapy can help you challenge these destructive narratives and replace them with healthier, more accurate ones based on objective reality, not fear.

3. Developing Healthy Boundaries and Assertiveness: Learning to establish and maintain firm boundaries is crucial. This includes stopping yourself from sending that follow-up text (the boundary with yourself) and learning to communicate your needs clearly and calmly (assertiveness) so you don't feel the need to chase later. It’s about teaching people how you expect to be treated.

4. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Instead of judging yourself harshly for being "needy" or "pathetic," therapy helps you develop kindness towards yourself. It acknowledges that the desire for connection is human, but empowers you to see that the method of chasing is unhelpful and ineffective.

   
   

By addressing your self-esteem and self-worth in a therapeutic space, you gain the inner strength to walk away from people who aren't making an effort and to confidently invest in relationships—friendships, dating, or professional—that truly nourish you and meet you halfway.

Take a deep breath, delete that draft message, and put your phone down. The silence is your answer. Now go and do something that makes you feel valued, because you are.

Need help in this area, or any other? Get in touch here or via email.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy