You Are Not Your Past!

Unpacking Your Backpack: Let it Go

It's a conversation I have time and time again in the therapy room: a client is describing a challenging situation in their life—a career stagnation, difficulties in a relationship, or a struggle with self-worth—and almost inevitably, they start connecting it back to something that happened years ago—a painful breakup, a harsh comment from a parent, or a significant career setback.

They'll say things like, "Because of X (the past event), I am now Y (the limiting belief)."

And in that moment, what I hear isn't just a description of a past event; I hear a definition. It’s as if they've taken a chapter from an old, difficult book and glued it over the cover of their current, evolving story. We all do this. We allow our history to become our identity.

The Psychology of Self-Definition: Why We Cling to Yesterday

Why does the past hold such a powerful grip? From a psychological perspective, there are a few key mechanisms at play that keep us stuck in old narratives:

1. The Power of Cognitive Fusion

We often experience what's known as cognitive fusion. This is when we become so entangled with a thought or a memory that we treat it as an objective, undeniable truth about ourselves, rather than just a passing mental event. If a thought pops up that says, "You failed that exam," fusion turns it into: "I am a failure." The memory of the event becomes fused with your sense of self. This fusion keeps the emotion and the limiting belief—the 'stone'—as heavy today as it was when the event occurred. It stops us from seeing that we have thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.

2. The Comfort of the Familiar (Even When It Hurts)

The brain is hardwired for efficiency and prediction. When we’ve operated under a specific, limiting narrative for a long time—for example, "I'm not good enough," or "People will always let me down"—it establishes a default cognitive structure known as a schema.

Our brain actually finds a strange, subconscious form of comfort in the familiar, predictable pain of the old story, because the unknown of a new, empowering story feels risky and requires more energy. To maintain this familiar blueprint, we unconsciously engage in confirmation bias, filtering out evidence that contradicts the old story, just to keep the established narrative intact. Breaking free means challenging decades of mental habit.

3. The Need for Coherence: The Narrative Self

Humans have a deep psychological need to create a coherent life story, often called the narrative self. We want everything to make sense. If something bad happened (a trauma, a rejection etc), it’s easier for the brain to create a story where I was the cause, or I am permanently damaged by it, than to accept the random, chaotic unfairness of life.

This need for a cohesive narrative can inadvertently trap us in a victim or flawed identity, simply because it provides an explanation, however painful, for our current circumstances.

The Weight of Yesterday: The Backpack Analogy Expanded

Think of your life as a long journey and your self-definition as the huge, heavy backpack you carry. Every time something difficult happens, we unconsciously pop a heavy, sharp stone into it. A rejection? Stone. A failure? Stone. A betrayal? Another stone.

Over the years, the backpack becomes so heavy it dictates how we walk, where we can go, and how much energy we have. We become accustomed to the strain—the anxiety, the defensiveness, the low self-esteem—and start to believe the strain is simply "who we are."

We've confused the burden of the past with our core being.

The profound realisation is this: most of those stones are just memories, kept heavy and sharp by the meaning and the fusion we continue to give them. The key to change lies in shifting the meaning you attach to the event and de-fusing from the thoughts that define you.

The event happened to you, but it doesn't have to live in you indefinitely.

The Moment of Choice: Decoupling Identity from Event

Here’s the radical, liberating truth: You have the ability to set the backpack down and choose a lighter load.

You might feel defined by a divorce, a diagnosis, a mistake you made in your twenties, or a toxic family dynamic. But please hear me when I say this: You are not the noun; you are the verb. You are a person doing, experiencing, and growing, not a fixed object defined by a single, finished event i.e.

• You are not the breakup; you are the person who learned how to be resilient and what they need in a future partnership.

• You are not the diagnosis; you are a human being living with a condition, not a condition walking around in a human suit.

• You are not the mistake; you are the person who made an error and gained valuable wisdom for their next steps.

  
  

Letting go isn't about denying the reality of what happened; that would be invalidating and unrealistic. Instead, it’s about denying the event’s ongoing power to control your choices and limit your horizons today.

This is the essence of psychological decoupling—separating the self (which is whole and capable) from the experience (which is over, in the past and cannot be changed).

Your Power is Now: Shifting Your Internal Narrative

Real, lasting change starts with a simple, conscious shift in language, which leads to a massive shift in perspective and behaviour. Instead of allowing the past to dictate a closed door, we can use it as a foundation for empowered, deliberate decision-making.

Instead of saying, "I can’t apply for that new job because I failed so badly at my last one," a powerful reframing would be: "I failed at my last job, and now I know exactly what questions to ask and what boundaries to set before accepting a new role."

That "and now" is where your power lies. It’s the moment you transition from being a victim of your history to the author of your future. You are activating the psychological concept of self-efficacy: your belief in your ability to succeed in specific situations. The past can inform your caution, but it doesn't have to cripple your capacity for positive action.

It takes courage to unpack that backpack, look at the stones, and honestly decide which ones can be left on the ground. Some might need a final acknowledgment, a moment of grief, or a little more processing—and that's okay, that's what therapy is here for. But know that your capacity to thrive, to live fully, and to define yourself by your values and actions today is always greater than the pull of your past.

What is one small stone you are ready to acknowledge and leave behind this week to make your next steps lighter? 🌱

Need help in this area, or any other? Get in touch here or via email here.

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy