Why External Validation is Sabotaging Your Happiness

Hello everyone! As a therapist, I spend a lot of time talking with people about how they see themselves and how much they rely on others to feel okay. It's a really common struggle, and it often boils down to something fundamental in psychology: external vs. internal validation. Let's have a deep dive into this crucial concept, shall we?

The Trap of External Validation

Have you ever found yourself checking your phone constantly after posting something, waiting for the 'likes' and comments to roll in? Or maybe your entire mood for the day is based on a compliment from your boss or a friend? That, my friends, is external validation in action.

External validation is simply when your sense of worth, identity, happiness, or rightness is derived from outside of you—from other people’s approval, social status, achievements, or material possessions. It’s that deep, often unconscious equation: "If they approve, then I am worthy."

In psychology, we understand that we have a natural, hardwired need for connection and belonging. Seeking approval is fundamentally human. However, when this need becomes constant, intense, and absolutely essential for your equilibrium, it sets a dangerous trap. It moves from a healthy social drive to a state of dependency.

The Psychological Toll: Why the Need is a Bottomless Pit

When your self-worth is a puppet on the strings of others' opinions, the effects are profound and often deeply unsatisfying:

• The Reinforcement Loop and Dopamine: Seeking external validation works a lot like a craving. When you get a 'like', a compliment, or an accolade, your brain releases a hit of dopamine—a 'feel good' neurotransmitter associated with reward. This reinforces the seeking behaviour. You get a brief high, but it fades quickly, leading to the need for the next 'hit'. This creates an unstable, exhausting cycle that mirrors addictive behaviour, leaving you constantly chasing a feeling that never lasts.

• The Erosion of Self-Concept: This relentless pursuit leads to inauthenticity. You start making choices, not because they genuinely align with your values, but because you anticipate they will secure approval. You censor your true feelings or opinions to maintain your desired external image. This creates a painful gap between your authentic self and your performing self, which is a significant source of anxiety and disconnection.

• Vulnerability to Rejection Sensitivity: When your emotional regulation is externalised, you become acutely vulnerable to criticism or perceived slights. This is known as increased rejection sensitivity. A casual comment or even just silence can feel like an existential threat to your worth, leading to defensive reactions, heightened emotional turmoil, and the constant fear of failure.

• The Loss of Agency: You effectively hand over the remote control for your emotional state to external factors—things you cannot control. The day-to-day fluctuations of other people’s moods, the unpredictable nature of social media algorithms, or the whims of a boss now dictate your happiness. You lose agency, the feeling that you are the author of your own life and emotions.

Building Your Inner Fortress: Internal Validation

So, how do we escape this cycle? The powerful antidote is shifting your focus to internal validation.

Internal validation is about acknowledging your own inherent worth, accepting your feelings without judgement, and trusting your own judgement, regardless of external feedback. It’s the deep, self-soothing voice that says: "I know my intentions were good," "I did my best," or simply, "I am okay, even if others disagree."

This isn't about arrogance or suddenly dismissing all feedback. It means recognising that external opinions are information, not legislation, about your core identity. Your sense of self is not conditional.

The Role of Self-Compassion

A key psychological component of internal validation is self-compassion. This involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer a good friend experiencing a difficult time. Instead of harsh self-criticism when you make a mistake, you use self-compassion to validate your difficult feelings and acknowledge your shared humanity. This anchors your worth internally, making you less dependent on external sources for soothing and comfort.

How Therapy Can Help You Make the Shift

Making the switch from relying on the outside world to trusting your inner voice is one of the most powerful, life-altering journeys you can undertake, and it’s a central part of the therapeutic process.

In a therapeutic setting, we can work together to:

1. Identify the Schema: We’ll use tools to explore and challenge the core beliefs or schemas that underpin your need for approval. We look for roots—perhaps early life experiences where love or acceptance felt conditional.

2. Challenge Cognitive Distortions: We’ll work to identify and reframe the cognitive distortions that fuel external validation (e.g., "mind-reading" or "catastrophising" criticism). You'll learn how to gently challenge your inner critic and replace those 'should' statements with realistic, self-validating thoughts.

3. Practise Emotional Regulation: You’ll learn how to validate your own emotions. Instead of immediately seeking external comfort, you'll learn techniques like mindfulness to sit with and acknowledge feelings—joy, sadness, or frustration—without the need to fix, judge, or immediately outsource them.

4. Reconnect with Values: We’ll help you articulate and reconnect with your authentic personal values (e.g., honesty, creativity, kindness). By measuring your actions against your own internal compass, you shift your focus from seeking approval to living a life of integrity.

   
   

Ultimately, internal validation gives you true stability and profound emotional freedom. It means your sense of self doesn't fluctuate wildly with every text message, every social media post, or every raised eyebrow. It’s the essential psychological foundation for a calmer, more authentic, and deeply fulfilling life.

If any of this resonates with you, and you're tired of riding the emotional roller coaster of external approval, perhaps it's time to explore how therapy can help you build your inner fortress. Feel free to contact me here or via email here, if you'd like to chat about taking the next step towards genuine self-worth.

Take good care of yourselves! ✨

Kirsten

Freedom Therapy